Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Just fell off a train. Bad.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
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