This girl is more easily done than said...
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
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