Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
barbara walters just said penis...
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I just blew my weed a kiss
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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