What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
