If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
