I love having hate sex.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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