I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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