dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize
