I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
