Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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