i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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