My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
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