How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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