Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
