I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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