btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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