I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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