There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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