I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Just high enough for therapy.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
