I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
What's dad's email?
[email protected]
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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