Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
