Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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