Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
is wine microwaveable?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
