Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
