My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
