Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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