my text book just quoted the cookie monster
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
