I just made out with a guy for $7.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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