I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
