you have to choose: penises or morals?
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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