I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
