Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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