There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
