Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
