Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
