Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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