How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Pants are for mortals
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
