you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
