Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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