When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
