...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
so that wasnt chicken after all
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
