I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
