Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
