Ambien. No doubt about it.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
