I should be sponsored by Trojan
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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