Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
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