My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Randomize
