Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
