this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
