Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
